I’m sat at a ‘cool’ bar in Southern France, one where the toilet is disgusting, the drinks are expensive, but the vibe makes it one of the best nights you’ll have. Dan and I are telling a couple how we recently got engaged. The guy makes a joke and says how he’ll need details of our engagement spot, as they’ve been together for seven years with no proposal.

I can see it’s an awkward subject, because up until a week or so ago, I was in the same position. Once you get past the three-year mark with no ring, people start questioning what’s happening with your relationship. As a woman, of course you’re desperate for a proposal so the guy must be having cold feet.

Dan and I got to five years before he proposed. The biggest thing for us was buying our house, somewhere we could live for years without needing more space. We skipped a year with no holidays abroad and put all our savings into updating and modernising the place. Almost a year later, I had a strong sense a ring was on the cards, and it happened perfectly in France.

But if I was following the advice I often see on Threads, I should have walked away three years prior. According to a lot of people, a guy should be ready to commit after two years. The last debate I read involved some examples similar to mine where people had gone years, sometimes ten or more, before a ring and couldn’t be happier. A few gave the opposite where they had waited for years and realised the guy just didn’t have any interest in marriage.

Some made exceptions to the rule for couples who met as teenagers. Research is practically non-existent to decipher the impact of waiting one year or six. There are couples who quickly marry and end up divorcing and couples who wait for years and end up in the happiest marriages. And vice versa.

There are a few things that encourage people to become preoccupied with the number of years before a proposal:

• Our wedding/marriage culture: It’s ingrained in many of us that marriage is essential to a long-term relationship. While there is no right or wrong, we’re taught to believe a ring is needed.
• The concept of being ‘chosen’: The guy controls the timeline and chooses when and where. With women being stereotypically linked to wanting weddings and stability while men are linked to casual flings, having the guy propose becomes the ultimate proof of commitment and love.
• The fear of having nothing to show: Some women wait for years and realise that it’s not going to happen. Again, it’s part of our culture to believe that if a long-term relationship ends with no ring, you have nothing to show for it.

In long-term relationships, it’s important to not sit back and hope that your partner eventually gets the hint. If you’re ready for a proposal, state your needs clearly. Let them know that you’re ready and check-in to see if they’re feeling the same. I’m not suggesting you start demanding a ring, but be clear on where you’re at and why.

It’s not about sitting around waiting to be chosen. You’re an equal partner and it’s okay to say, ‘This is the future I’m building, and this is what I need to feel secure‘. Of course, there is absolutely nothing wrong in not being bothered about getting married or being okay with going many more years before you approach the subject. There’s no wrong or right, only your personal feelings.

And while it’s a major relationship taboo, there is a slow increase in women proposing which I can see becoming more normalised in the next few decades.

Reach out on my relationshipswithlaura and let me know if you feel the same. How long were you together before a ring or have you chosen not to get married?

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