Why Dating Rules Don’t Work (And What You’re Actually Ignoring)
I remember reading The Rules when I was younger. Don’t text first. Don’t call. Don’t be too available. The strictness pulls you in. It’s like being on a diet; you start to believe that if you take a hard, no-nonsense approach, you’re guaranteed results.
While The Rules supposedly helped Carolyn Bessette marry the most eligible bachelor, it left me in the same position as when I used to double-message guys: single and confused.
Dating rules can feel helpful. If you’re down on your luck and tired of the wrong men, don’t despair, just follow a formula. But as a coach, I’ve learnt that dating rules take our attention away from what’s actually happening. You end up in the same place, just focusing on the wrong things.
Why dating rules don’t work
A lot of dating advice is built on the idea that if you act a certain way, you’ll get a certain outcome. If you change your behaviour, you can also influence someone else’s behaviour. While that’s somewhat true, it doesn’t automatically create a new outcome.
Dating rules take our attention away from what’s actually happening. This is where trusting yourself in dating becomes more important.
You stop thinking about whether you like someone or whether something feels right. Your mind puts attention on whether you’re doing things correctly.
Are you replying too quickly?
Did you say too much?
Do you look too available?
You start to manage yourself and your situation when you should be experiencing it.
It’s not actually about behaviour
A certain outcome needs a high probability. If someone isn’t interested, acting hard to get won’t make them chase you. This is where most dating advice for women falls short.
We often fail to understand our probabilities. Let’s say you’re messaging a person who’s acting hot and cold or inconsistent. Sometimes they respond, other times it takes days. You haven’t seen them in weeks because they keep rescheduling. You might say the probability they like you is low, but what if their messages are filled with thoughtfully written responses? Maybe you hesitate and wonder whether you should hold back or wait just as long to reply?
By doing this, you take yourself from a hopeless situation into one where you now feel in control. Suddenly, you’re applying rules to shift the dynamics. But the low probability is already there.
This is a common occurrence. How many times have you tried to shift your behaviour in a situation that already came with ‘red flags’? I’ve dated guys before, knowing something wasn’t right. One in particular would never initiate plans or show much interest outside of being together.
The rational step was to end communication. Only, I tried to be less available. I had dating rules in my head telling me that if I started messaging less and taking longer to reply, the guy would realise he actually liked me.
Why it feels so convincing
Dating rules give you something to hold onto. If something isn’t working, it feels easier to think you did too much or said the wrong thing. Because that means there’s something you can fix.
Most classic rules centre around women being obsessed with finding love. Men, on the other hand, are typically less invested. Following the rules puts you in a position of losing your power because you’re now adapting yourself to fit someone else’s lifestyle.
So, not only do rules keep you gripped in low-quality relationships, they can make you overfocus on yourself and keep you stuck in the position of being wrong. Ultimately, the one who needs to change.
What actually matters
Can clinginess put people off? Could texting less be helpful? Yes, there are times when we can obsess over a person and might need to hold back. But try to look at situations from a wider perspective. Don’t immediately blame yourself or adapt your behaviour.
Ask yourself:
What part of their behaviour doesn’t align with how things have been going?
Have they suddenly changed within a week when everything previously felt consistent?
Are you finding yourself trying to justify their behaviour or fill in the gaps for them?
Too many of us keep clutching at straws when we should move on quicker and find healthier relationships.
So, should you follow dating rules?
Probably not. Not because they’re outdated, but because they pull your attention in the wrong direction. They make you focus on how you’re behaving, instead of what you’re experiencing.
And most of the time, you already know what’s going on. You’re just trying to make it make more sense than it does.
If you’re finding yourself stuck in patterns that aren’t helping you move forward, this is exactly what I help with through my relationship coaching.
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