The Issue with Masculine & Feminine Energy Dating Advice
Want guys to obsess over you? Would you like to embody Marilyn Monroe with endless adoration from worthy admirers? If you were to believe many TikTok creators, you could achieve this by tapping into feminine energy.
If only!
As a certified life and relationship coach, I’ve spent hours learning about attraction, relationships and self-confidence. What I can say from experience is that our desires and feelings are much too complex to simplify with energy concepts.
What is feminine and masculine energy?
When people talk about feminine and masculine, they’re not necessarily referring to gender. There is a belief that each of us holds feminine and masculine qualities, but women are thought to exhibit more feminine traits, while men are naturally associated with more masculine traits.
Sometimes, we may tap into one energy more than the other, creating an imbalance. Balancing these energies — or leaning into the one that aligns with your biological sex — supposedly enhances your relationships and makes you more attractive.
Masculine traits are associated with doing. This includes being logical, goal-oriented, independent, protective and courageous. Feminine focuses on receiving. It’s connected with nurture, creativity, empathy, collaboration and self-care.
While I agree that we can exhibit more qualities from one side than the other — corporate businesses, for example, traditionally prioritise assertion over listening — balancing out our energies as dating advice can be unhealthy.
Why feminine and masculine energy dating advice is a problem
According to Psychology Today, writer Tamsen Firestone says, ‘Any stereotypic views of what it means to be a man or a woman are limiting and hurtful to the individual.’ Research has shown that among 13,301 individuals evaluated across 122 different characteristics, there were no significant differences between men and women.
We are more complex than the two energy types. Celebrating your feminine or masculine energy is great, as is finding ways to be more empathetic or independent. But narrowing it down to energy alone ignores multiple aspects of dating and being in a relationship.
Attachment styles, communication, how we handle conflict, our ability to be vulnerable and honest, insecurities, differing upbringings, opposing views on finances, etc., all come into play.
One TikTok video suggested that if you are running after a guy and always messaging first, you are too much into your masculinity and need to adopt a more feminine approach by letting the guy lead. In reality, this again could be due to several factors: low self-esteem, lack of interest, differing communication styles and an issue with over-prioritising your time in the early stages.
Many people seeking advice on how to be alluring or desirable do not feel attractive or confident. They want an action-based fix to their problem — queue people uploading videos with accessible ‘feminine energy’ tips.
What can we do instead to attract admirers?
Prioritise self-confidence and self-awareness. When you’re on a date, do you often worry whether the person you’re with likes you instead of questioning if you like them? On a scale of 1-10, how much do you try to adapt yourself to fit in?
The more you understand and accept yourself, the more desirable you’ll be. When you show up authentically as yourself, you’ll radiate positive energy that other people with similar values and ideas will get behind. Understanding your needs, boundaries and desires will help you connect with others.
Psychologist Dr Claire Hart teaches a module on the psychology of attraction. She notes that similarity and familiarity are two major factors in attraction. The others include physical attractiveness, proximity and reciprocity — people who like us back.
When someone feels too much of one energy than the other (say a guy is too feminine), it might be because you grew up in a household where men seemed more masculine. It can also be because a guy is shy, nervous and uncertain, which we don’t link to masculinity. On the other hand, a woman seemingly too masculine may have been raised in an environment where she needed to be assertive or take on traditional masculine roles.
We each embody a blend of energies at varying degrees, with our preference for one or the other shaped by a range of factors. But genuine, authentic connections with someone confident and secure in themselves is globally appealing.
If you’re having issues with chasing or are currently struggling with dating, here are some guides to consider:
How to be Persistent Without Looking Needy