Effective Strategies to Deal With Ghosting
Ghosting is when someone suddenly ends all contact without explanation. It can happen at any stage — the ghoster can vanish after one day or several months of being together. If you’ve recently been ghosted, here are some tips on how to deal with it and move forward.
I was first ghosted in my early twenties. A friend and I went to a party in London, where we met a good-looking guy who introduced us to his mates. After downing some shots and sharing a drunk kiss, we exchanged numbers. The day before we agreed to our first date, his WhatsApp picture disappeared, and my messages went unanswered.
What makes ghosting particularly difficult is its abruptness. There are often no warning signs to suggest anything was wrong, leaving you to try to piece together what happened.
Ghosting is also painful because you’re not the one taking action. It almost puts the blame on you as you’re the one being left.
Firstly, recognise that you are not alone. In a 2023 study involving 1,000 people, 84% said they had been ghosted. Try to avoid instantly blaming yourself and assuming you’re the problem.
Why do people ghost?
There are several common reasons why people ghost:
- A lack of interest. Put simply, the ghoster no longer wants to continue the relationship.
- Conflict avoidance. Ghosting someone rather than explaining the reasons for ending communication helps to avoid confrontation.
- A strong belief in destiny. In a New York Times article, Dr. Vilhauer describes how some people perceive relationships in black-and-white terms. If a person thinks an individual isn’t part of their destiny, they can be more likely to ghost and avoid effort.
- They have issues dealing with emotions. A GQ piece on why men ghost women shares input from therapist Gordon Wax, who says some people put ‘on a pretend invisibility cloak’ which makes them think ‘they won’t suffer emotions of guilt after parting ways.’
- They may be emotionally abusive. Women’s Health reported on ‘ghostlighting’; a manipulation technique which sees a ghoster go from incredibly romantic to barely around in a short period.
- They are struggling with their mental health and possibly feel overwhelmed.
- They have been hurt before. Some people are more cautious and may see any potential breakup signs as a que to make a swift exit.
How to deal with being ghosted
Being ghosted sucks. While we can’t control the ghoster’s actions (or lack of action), we can adapt to how to respond. Here are some tips for letting go.
Give yourself time to grieve the relationship
It doesn’t matter how long you were together — it’s okay to be upset. Sometimes, the most painful part of dating is letting go of your expectations. Maybe your ghoster seemed like your ideal person, and now you have to give up all your future plans. You may feel angry, confused, upset and emotionally drained.
Rebuild your resilience
After going through a difficult situation, it’s often the ideal time to prioritise self-care. Externally, you can make more plans with friends, take on a hobby or indulge in beauty treatments.
Internally, consider inspecting your thoughts. Has being ghosted increased limiting beliefs? Do you notice yourself often saying, ‘I’m never going to find someone’ or ‘I’m not good enough to date’?
These thoughts can seem harmless, but repeating them frequently can cause them to negatively change your behaviour. Rather than putting yourself back out there, your limiting beliefs can make you feel you’re not worthy.
If this resonates, I put together a guide on How to Stop Limiting Beliefs from Sabotaging Your Love Life.
Resist the urge to chase
I know it’s super tough not to message them. Maybe you’re desperate to fix the situation. You might believe they’ll change their mind if you reach out a few weeks later.
But here’s the thing — most of us are obsessed with our phones. If someone doesn’t respond, it’s usually not because they’ve accidentally deleted your number.
No message can also be a message — in this case, it’s telling you not to communicate. If you feel desperate to reach out, try asking yourself:
- What do I think about ghosting? Would I ever ghost someone myself?
- Will contacting them help me move forward, or will it keep me stuck in the past?
- Will messaging them align with my boundaries? Could I be in conflict with my values by contacting them?
- How would I feel if they did not respond or replied with hostility?
Create your own closure
The ghoster can’t give you closure, but who says you can’t create it yourself? A great way to deal with being ghosted is to reflect and ask yourself powerful questions to move on.
What have you learned from the situation?
What comfort, if any, can be gained from their actions?
In the next few weeks, what would you like to do more of?
What shift in your thinking can occur to change how you feel?
How do you react when someone ghosts? If it’s happened to you recently, be sure to read these posts:
How do You Glow Up After a Break-Up