Why Your Phone is Damaging Your Relationship and How to Fix It
I was in Venice with my partner, walking around St. Mark’s Square. Already I had captured the glorious Doge’s Palace and church, with photos of me admiring the canals and coloured houses. Heading back to our apartment, I spotted Caffè Florian, the oldest Italian coffeehouse.
I marvelled at the ornate mirrors, plush red cushioned seats and gold interior. A queue had formed to enter, which wasn’t surprising considering the cafe’s grand design. As I peered in, I noticed every table had a ‘model’ with an amateur photographer trying to capture their next Instagram shot.
I had to decide if I was ‘instagrammy’ enough to ask my partner to do the same. Realising I only wanted to enter to have my picture taken, we carried on until I found my next photo opportunity.
I believe phone usage is one of the most harmful modern relationship problems, and many of us are implicit in this issue. And before you rebuff my claims, here are some excuses I use to justify my phone addiction:
- As a content creator, I naturally take lots of photos.
- Photography is a hobby of mine — it’s important for me to have these memories.
- There’s nothing wrong with wanting to snap beautiful images of your travels.
- I like researching and using TikTok to find activities and good restaurants.
- I only take a few images at a time and then move on with my day. It’s not like I’m constantly on my phone 24/7.
Whether you use your phone for WhatsApp, online shopping, researching or social media, our screen time is destroying the connection in our relationships.
We’re an addicted society. Almost everyone I know checks their phone first thing in the morning or scrolls while watching TV. Whenever I get a chance, I take it out of my handbag and check for notifications. But for the longest time, I’ve been in complete denial, adamant that I’m merely a creator who must use my phone often. That was until I spent nearly two weeks around Italy and struggled to disconnect.
The term phubbing (a blend of “snubbing” and “phone”) is frequently used to describe how ignoring someone in favour of a smartphone can affect relationship quality. An app company found that people spend roughly 4.8 hours on their phones daily. Another study found that 62% of couples noticed phone usage while with their partner.
It seems innocent enough — taking a quick video, sending a message, uploading a post, checking sport scores — but when you add up all these small moments, they quickly become continual distractions.
Research suggests phones can heighten relationship conflict and impact life satisfaction. Simply having your phone visible can weaken the quality of your conversation. It also decreases our empathy and ability to stay fully present.
Why else are phones damaging to relationships?
Besides affecting our connection, there are various other reasons to cut back:
They overstimulate our brain and reward system
Social media can overwhelm our brains with constant stimulation, making us want more engagement and immediate gratification. Each notification has the potential to release dopamine, a feel-good hormone. Once you’ve had your hit and received a like, it’s addictive to check for another.
But too much dopamine can result in lower moods as our brains adjust by reducing the hormone during self-regulation. This creates a harmful cycle in relationships because it can create a dependency on virtual validation instead of turning to our partners for emotional support.
They make you less of a priority
You’re about to climb into bed and spot your partner on their phone. Does this turn you on — probably not. Each time you take out your phone in front of your partner to do something else, your focus is elsewhere — it cuts into intimacy.
It’s impossible to stay fully present
I’m so guilty of arguing that a quick photo doesn’t take me away from a conversation. But then I think about how many thoughts occur before a photo.
‘How do I look?’, ‘How’s the lighting?’, ‘What’s the best angle?’, ‘Would this work for my social media?’, ‘Maybe I should take a shot over there instead?’.
Our brains don’t multi-task well, so checking your phone while with your partner distracts you from them.
Your experience may adapt
Absolutely guilty of this as well. Choosing a restaurant because the backdrop looks amazing for a photo; asking to have a drink in a cafe because I want an ice-coffee shot. Can you honestly say your photos and content wouldn’t be different if social media wasn’t around?
I’ll never forget being in Split and noticing the happiest woman I’ve seen. Her blonde hair was in pigtails, and she beamed while carelessly holding her phone at a low angle. She wasn’t worrying about uploading or finding her angles — she just seemed so content and, in the moment… compared to me pointing my camera up and purposely not smiling too wide to show gums.
What can we do to improve our phone usage in relationships?
Now, I’m still a content creator who loves taking photos — so this isn’t about fully demonising phones or social media. But when I was in Venice, I could see how much my daily life was centred around content. This must have affected my partner who has no interest in photos or Instagram.
I recognised addictive habits in me that are less about content and more about my desire to capture the right photos or keep updated on what’s happening. If you don’t think you’re addicted, try banning your phone for 24 hours and see how you cope.
There are steps we can practice to reduce relationship phone damage:
Don’t make your phone your first priority
You know how lovely it is when a dog greets you as you arrive home? Instead of heading straight for your phone, greet your partner and set up your day without the instant dopamine rush.
If you’re a content creator, plan your photos/videos beforehand
What content would you like to create for the month? How much of this will you create with your partner? Let’s say you need a photo of you in a cafe and then a video showing your outfit — you can schedule this in and then put your phone away — or at least cut back.
Of course, it’s fine to enjoy content and your partner might even encourage it. But also reflect on how much time you dedicate to being fully present without your attention being elsewhere.
Create social media/phone free moments
I did this on holiday and it felt so relaxing. We would head out to dinner or experience something without content updates. No worrying about lighting, angles, work back home or what people are up to.
Increase physical intimacy
Touch centres us back in the present. Holding hands, sharing a hug and resting your head on their shoulder can help you stay grounded in the moment and boost your closeness.
Get comfortable with the uncomfortable
I can’t remember when I last sat in a bar alone and stayed in the moment without rushing to get my phone out. Those moments when your partner buys a drink or uses the bathroom can be a time to reflect on your conversation and consider your thoughts. Instead, we often check our phones and let our minds wander.
Now, don’t expect me to post less, but I will prioritise mindfulness around my phone usage. I’ll also create time to disconnect from my phone when I’m with people. Which means not even glancing for two seconds while they look at a menu or try to locate their lip balm.